Revolving Integrity

While I need to get the men in my life to read Season of Life by Jeffrey Marx, I want to share a few themes that moved me.  The book talks about “revolving integrity.”  This is defined as “no matter which way you turn, or what situation you’re in that turns you, people will see that you have the same integrity in every situation.  You’re not different with different people.  When a situation’s easy, you’re not different than when it’s hard.  Your character doesn’t melt when things are on the line.”

This is a concept that we should remember and remind others.  It can help us be better leaders, sages, partners, siblings, and parents.  Having integrity can help us be better people.

Season of Life

Right before the holidays, someone recommended that I buy  Season of Life by Jeffrey Marx for the men in my family.  I did just that, but I read it first.  The book says it is about teaching young men a new meaning to masculinity, but I think it is about what it means to be a quality person.  Everyone can benefit from reading this book.

It reads similarly to Tuesdays with Morrie (TWM)  by Mitch Albom and it will probably be made into a movie for television by Oprah as she did for TWM.  The author started out to tell a sports story and was so moved that the focus became a human interest story all based on a true story.

I highly recommend Season of Life to everyone.

The Five Things We Cannot Change

According to David Richo, there are five unavoidable things that we cannot change.  He says that these facts come to visit us many times during our lifetime:

·         Everything changes and ends.

·         Things do not always go according to plan.

·         Life is not always fair.

·         Pain is part of life.

·         People are not loving and loyal all the time.

Richo reminds us of the prayer that has become the cornerstone of the recovery movement:  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Then he tells us the five things we cannot change.  I am fascinated by his book by this same title.  In my blog, I am going to be exploring these five things.  I would be interested in your reactions.  Thanks. 

Don't be the CIA

Since I define a leadership development as learning to live your best life, then it is important not to be the CIA.  David Richo, author of The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, reminds us not to become the CIA:  Critic, Interpreter, and Advisor, especially with partners, friends, and family members.  If we remember this, we can communicate more respectfully.  When someone asks our opinion, we should give an honest opinion.  But we don’t need to always be judging.

In fact, Richo advises us about the five essential qualities of genuine caring: 

• attention,
• acceptance,
• appreciation,
• affection, and
• allowing.

If we can remember to practice the five A’s, then we are learning to live our best life.

Favorite Service at the Abbey

The Compline service at 7:30 pm each evening is my favorite.  The Chapel is completely dark except for one candle hanging from the ceiling.  The monks enter quietly and slowly and somewhat randomly.  After the bells ring, the monks start singing in a capella.  Usually one of the monks plays the organ.  I always enjoy watching him since I am a former (bad) church organist.  A guitar was used for few of the songs, but the acoustics are wonderful in that old stone Chapel.  Then the monks exit as silently as they entered.

At 7:30 pm each evening, my hope is to think about this ritual and the rhythm of their day and try to find some ways to incorporate this peaceful feeling into my days to come.

The Gift Store at the Abbey

The gift store at the Abbey sells a sampling of the items as you might imagine.  There are cards, CDs, and religious momentos, primarily Catholic items.  Some of the items vary by season.  In December, nativity scenes are common.  There are also items made by the monks and neighboring nuns across the river such as carmels, jam, and crosses.  In fact, there are caskets and urns in the gift store.  How many gift stores display caskets?

These are high quality caskets and I have already indicated to my husband that he is to purchase my casket from here.  While I also want to donate my organs if possible and then be cremated, viewing a body has been proven to be helpful in the grieving process.  As stated by the website of the Abbey (www.newmelleray.org):

"Trappist Caskets is a work of the monks at New Melleray Abbey. Along with prayer and study, casket-making is an extension of our sacred work. Each Trappist Casket reflects the values of the men who made it; integrity, simplicity, and reverence for nature.

Our caskets and urns are understated in design, showing a preference for vintage, old-world joinery. Wood for the caskets comes in part from our own forests.

It is our hope that the work of our hands will help nourish a return to a dignified spirituality of death."

The fact that you can look at these caskets and urns in a gift shop still makes me smile.  But they are at peace with death realizing that death is a natural part of life.  When we embrace death, we are embracing life.  In fact, read what is printed about death on their website.  It is beautiful. 

Committing to a Monastic Life

As I watch the monks enter and leave the Chapel services, most of them are in long white robes with hoods.  But not all of them.  A few of them have short white robes and a couple of young men have short tan robes.  I was told that the men in shorter robes are apprentices and the color might inicate different lengths of time. 

As you might imagine, it is important for them to “try out the monk life” before they commitment.  This is a significant commitment to make and one that must be taken seriously by the monk to be and probably by the community at large.  Since this is a cloistered community, it would be important for everyone to feel as if this is the right decision for all.

One of the young men (guessing around 22 years of age) in a short tan robe looked as if he could be a friend of any of my college aged sons.  What is his story?  What led him to even consider committing to the monastic life?  In an age of consumerism, where the media emphasizes sex, Brittney Spears is the celebrity of the year, and “ greed is good” (from the movie Wallstreet), how did he arrive at this decision?  Will it work for him?  Is this the secret to a life of fulfillment?

Thoughts about the Abbey

I just finished Day 1 at the Abbey.  Monastic spirituality has an emphasis on prayer, study, and reflection.   The monks give up most of their personal possessions to live and work together in a cloistered community in the Abbey.  Their needs are taking care of in exchange for their commitment.  Someone told me that they see their role as one of devoting themselves to inner prayer.  Retreatants are welcome to attend any of the services in the Chapel:  3:30 am (not likely for me), but I try to attend all of the other services:  6:30 am, 9:15 am, 11:45 am, 5:30 pm, and 7:30 pm. 

At each of the services, the monks silently come into the beautiful Chapel randomly one by one.  Some even appear to be coming in late, but no one seems concerned.  They each have their own seat that line each side of two long walls so they are facing one another.  Then the chants begin followed by prayers.  The service starts with a ringing bell and each lasts about 30 minutes.  As the monks walk in and walk out, here are some of my thoughts:

·         What is their personal story?

·         What brought them to this place?

·         How did they arrive at such a personal commitment?

This is the perfect example of living a life of selflessness--definitely the opposite of being selfish.

More About New Melleray

At New Melleray, there is a quaint shop that sells mainly books, caskets, and urns.  For over 150 years, the monks have been quietly going about their work handcrafting caskets and urns.  BTW you and me, I have already decided that I want to be buried in their handiwork.   The designs are simple and that is what makes them beautiful.

While in the shop, I wanted to buy a few items and there was no one there.  So I went across the hall to ask about what to do.  The Father said to me, “Just leave your money on the counter.  We trust everyone.”  The words seemed so powerful in this day and age.  When you check in, there are no keys because people do not lock their rooms.  They seem to operate on the premise that trust builds trust.  If they trust everyone, then there is nothing to fear.  It is such a peaceful place.  Calm is the best way to describe the atmosphere.

New Melleray Abbey

New Melleray Abbey

When I told my husband that I was going to a monastery, his response was, “It has to be less expensive than a spa” and he wished me good luck.  Then he told me that he did not believe that I could be silent for three days.

My first time at the Abbey was an experience I will remember forever.  Since I was on a silent retreat, they make it clear to respect the privacy and silence of others.  So when I went to dinner, I did not expect to talk with anyone.  Then an older woman sat down next to me and started talking.  Well, if she can talk to me I guess I can talk to her. 

She asked me if this was my first time to the Abbey and I told her that it was.  She proceeded to tell me that she has been coming to this Abbey for one weekend a month for more than 20 years!  She told me it was because her job was so stressful.  When I asked her what she did, she said she was the Hospice Chaplain for a nearby city.  She said that she deals with death on a daily basis and does not have the time to grieve as she would like.  So she mentally wraps up each death and puts the packages in the trunk of her car.  When she gets to the Abbey, she takes the “packages” out of the car and spends the proper time with each one remembering them.

By the time she was done with her story, I had tears running down my face and I was speechless.  What could I say after what she had just shared with me?  My admiration for her has remained with me and keeps me coming back to New Melleray.