Jann's Blog: Positively Aging

Why Purpose is So Important

Whitney Houston (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

I write a lot about the value of purpose for baby boomers and why it is so important--especially as we "retire"--move on--or think about it. Without a title, platform, identity associated with a position, people often feel lost and lonely. They often don't have a reason to get up in the morning. As I said in a previous blog, baby boomers need to be concerned about purpose because the statistical trend is not positive. The rate of divorce, suicide, and substance abuse are on the rise for boomers and the rate is higher than the normal rate which is too high!

But I can't stop thinking about the loss of Whitney Houston. It was common knowledge that she struggled with drug abuse, but you never want to see it end such as this.

In our society, it is so easy to idolize celebrities because of their beauty, wealth, or talent. We think they have life made in the shade because of how they might be able to buy whatever they need when they need it. Even if that includes people to hire to make their life easy.

If this is the case, then why do so many celebrities seem to have no purpose? Why is substance abuse so common among people who seem to have it all? Eckhart Tolle, author of the books The Power of Now and A New Earth calls this "numbing." Anything we do that numbs us (i.e drinking, drugs, overeating, undereating, watching too much television, video games, gambling) takes us away from our present state is not a good thing.

Houston is just another casualty and there have been too many recently: Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Amy Winehouse, ...

While there are no conclusive answers, I have many questions:

Not enough of a purpose?
Feel as if there is not meaning to life?
Too much time on their hands?
Too many people enabling their worst habits?
Too high of expectations for the person to live up to?
Loss of a talent so they are not what they used to be?
Aging in a society that expects you not to age?
Living in the spotlight and can't escape?
A combination of some or all of these factors?

I think this reinforces the power of purpose and being grounded. We need to be who we are and grateful for where we are this very moment.

Instead of thinking that 60 is the new 40 and 50 is the new 30, what is wrong with being a happy and healthy 50 or 60?

Lots of younger people clearly are not happy or healthy.

This makes me sad. Meaning matters.

Any insights? Thanks

Posted by Jann Freed on February 13, 2012 in Living Life, Positively Aging | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Five Principles to Remember for a Quality Life

Cover of Thich Nhat Hanh

I came across these "five remembrances" from Thich Nhat Hanh in the book The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation. They are embedded in Buddhist teaching, but important for all of us to remember regardless of religious preferences and practices.

1. We all grow old.

2. We all are prone to getting ill health.

3. We will all die.

4. Everything and everyone we cherish is prone to change.

5. The only thing we own are our actions.

These concepts are consistent with what I teach in leadership. They sound so simple, but yet they are so profound in how we think about life which influences how we live our life. If these are true principles, what might you want to do differently?

These remembrances remind me to:

Make the most of every minute
Accept that this is the only time I have
Not regret the past and not worry about the future
Be grateful for what I have
Look at the bright side by putting things in perspective
Remember that people are not perfect--especially me
Tell people how much they mean to me--either through notes or in person and this takes time, but is worth it
Reflect on these remembrances ...

What do these five remembrances remind you to do?

Posted by Jann Freed on February 02, 2012 in Life Renewal, Living Life, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

As a Person and as a Leader: What word best describes you?

Cover via Amazon

One of my hobbies is to read about interview questions or what people like to ask in interviews. I was always trying to best prepare students for the job search. Now I like to read about questions asked of people at executive level positions because one of my goals is to coach people on how best to discover an encore career or to help people transition into the next phase of life.

Since I say that the most important person to lead is yourself, knowing yourself inside and out--strengths and weaknesses--and now understanding life's transitions is critical for leading oneself in the second half of life.

So when is the second half of life? If the average life expectancy in the U.S. is about 78 years of life experience, then the second half comes earlier than we think! And the time to prepare for it is now. In fact, Dan Buettner in his book The Blue Zones has identified nine characteristics he calls Power 9 to help us understand the keys to longevity.

John Donovan, the chief technology officer at AT & T, asks:

"If your professional colleagues were going to put three words on your tombstone--I mean literally three--what would those three words be?" And then he asks a follow-up question: "Instead of three, what's the one word?"

When Donovan was asked what his three words were, he said that when he was younger, he wanted the words: smart, leadership, and inspirational. Now that he is older or has more life experience, he would like the word "wise" and he said he doesn't feel that he has accomplished that yet.

As I thought about these questions, my immediate answer was: persistent, creative, and authentic. If I had to condense to just one word, then I would say "persistent." Most of the accomplishments in my life I can trace back to my persistence. Many people would have given up and I just kept on--hoping that whatever it was would pay off.

But ultimately, I would like to have the word "Sage" on my tombstone. But I am not there either. Becoming a sage is a journey. I hope I get to live long enough to continue on this path. Wisdom is not a given. It comes from processing the highs and lows of life experience.

What would be your three words?

Your one word?

This exercise reminded me of the blog post I wrote about "What is your sentence?" If you had to summarize your purpose in one sentence, what would that be?

Posted by Jann Freed on January 09, 2012 in Leadership, Living Life, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Life Transitions: Letting Go to Move On

Image via Wikipedia

More about transitioning. Last year I went to the annual Sage-ing Conference and got an idea I put into action. I have always believed that if I went to a conference and met one new person, got one new idea, or gained a new perspective that it was worth it. Well, this conference was worth it for many reasons and one idea that I loved.

First, each attendee was asked to bring a bead from which a necklace would be made--a big necklace with about 300 beads. The history of beads was provided in a letter explaining how beads have been around for centuries. They have been used around the world for trading. Beads come in all shapes and sizes and can represent various things.

Second, at the conference I met a woman who was wearing a wonderful and interesting necklace. When I asked her about it, she told me it was her "retirement" necklace. She asked her friends and colleagues to donate a bead and she was going to create a necklace.

I took these ideas and ran with them. When I made the decision to "retire" after 30 years of college teaching, I asked friends and colleagues who have been supportive of my life journey to contribute a bead, charm, button--anything that could be strung. And that I was creating a "moving on" necklace. My friends responded and the result was a wonderful necklace as you can see below. One of my friends is a beader and she strung two necklaces from the beads for me. When I wear them--either together or separately--I feel their strength, encouragement, and support. It was part of my letting go in order to move on with my life plan.

Then another friend of mine said, "I am sure this necklace will make it into your holiday card." I have been making my holiday cards (they always hang as ornaments or on doorknobs) since 1973 and her statement was inspiration. So the photo above is the front of my holiday card.

The words are the lyrics from the song My Grownup Christmas List. But I modified them to say holiday list. After teaching my diversity course for 20 years, I use the word holiday to be more inclusive. Even though cards are becoming a dying and expensive tradition, I can't stop myself. While I have good years and bad years in terms of design, I consider each one a gift and this one is a gem thanks to my friends who sent me beads or charms to hang. I also asked them to send a story of the bead and now I am thinking about creating a book using Shutterfly with the sentimental stories, notes, and cards from "retirement."

Thank you to everyone who contributed. And if you are reading this and want to contribute, I am still adding to these pieces and I welcome anything that has a hole on which to hang.

How could you use an idea such as this? How could you modify the idea?

PS: If you are in the Des Moines area, I am going to be speaking more about navigating life's transitions at the January chapter meeting for the Association for Women in Communications. Please join us.

Posted by Jann Freed on January 05, 2012 in Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Coach Schipper was a Sage

Image via Wikipedia

As the beloved football coach at Central College for 36 years, Coach Ron Schipper died unexpectedly from a heart attack on March 26,2006. He was a leader and a sage.

I wrote an article about Coach Schipper when he retired. In order to do so, I interviewed and surveyed about 100 former players, coaches, and friends. This was before the use of email survey and correspondence, yet their response was overwhelming. The stories of life lessons they learned from Coach Schipper were inspiring.

It struck me that Coach Schipper instinctively practiced the kind of leadership that most of the Sages in my study advocate—servant leadership. He consistently led by example and his focus was on serving others. Coach Schipper made popular the phrase student-athlete because he was well aware that while at college coaches and professors were preparing people to be fine citizens and outstanding people. While it may sound easy, it is hard to practice and rare for most people. It takes courage to serve by caring about how people feel in the workplace. Leaders need to remove obstacles for people and not be the obstacle. This may sound as if it is common sense, but common sense is not so common.

When I was asked to speak at Coach Schipper’s memorial service which was attended by hundreds of former football players, coaches, and friends, I shared the following remarks:

Since Coach Schipper was a sage, you will understand when I say those of us who knew him, worked with him, respected him, and loved him all feel as if someone and something is missing from our lives. I think the key distinction of becoming a sage is to be interested instead of interesting. When you review the hundreds of stories shared on the dedication blog, the stories indicate that Coach Schipper was interested in:

Providing wise, prudent leadership
Offering his experiences and wisdom for the welfare of society
Expressing his hope in the future by the contributions he made for the generations that come after him

There are numerous stories that reflect that he was also interested in:

Giving generously with encouragement
Mentoring younger people who were drawn to his wisdom
Modeling a life that found validation, self-worth, and meaning from within, and
Making the College a better place.

As we all know, Coach Schipper was so much more than a coach. He was a sage.

For years to come, thousands of people will tell stories that reflect how Coach Schipper embodied these characteristics. As Coach Rick Coles of Lawrence University in Wisconsin said at the time of Schipper’s retirement, “Some have called him the Joe Paterno or Tom Osborne of Division III. I disagree. Joe Paterno and Tom Osborne are the Ron Schippers of Division I.”

****NOTE****

Now I have an addition to make to the above comments. I wrote this post last year. Based on recent events, I am sad to say I feel I need to eliminate Joe Paterno as a person with whom to compare Coach Schipper.

While none of us are perfect, the Coach Paterno situation reminds us how fast a legacy can be destroyed after years of supposedly living a life focused on integrity, trust, and character.

Posted by Jann Freed on January 02, 2012 in Leadership, Life Sages, Living Life, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

The Way on Leading and Living

The Way (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

Recently I saw the movie The Way and I could not stop thinking about it. And the line that stuck with me is this: "You don't choose a life Dad ... you live one."

In fact, my husband and I saw it together and then we each went to see it separately again because of how much we thought the movie made us think about how we are leading and living our lives.

"The Way" is a powerful and inspirational story about family, friends, and the challenges we face while navigating this ever changing and complicated world. Martin Sheen plays Tom, an irascible American doctor who comes to St. Jean Pied de Port, France to collect the remains of his adult son (played by Emilio Estevez), killed in the Pyrenees in a storm while walking The Camino de Santiago, also known as The Way of Saint James.

Rather than return home, Tom decides embark on the historical pilgrimage to honor his son's desire to finish the journey. What Tom doesn't plan on, is the profound impact the journey will have on him. While he thinks he is on "the way" by himself as a personal quest, he meets interesting characters along the way that also influence his thinking and his life. I grew attached to these characters as each of them was on pilgrimage for some kind of healing or closure.

I thought of the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough where he talks about there is a time in our lives when we change from focusing from looking ahead to how high we are climbing the corporate ladder to looking behind to determine if our lives are making a difference--which is legacy work.

During the movie, I also thought of our three boys who are each on their own life journey now. They are living their lives and the movie reminded me to "let go" and let them live it. While sometimes they make choices I would not make, we gave them wings and now I have to let them fly. And when Martin Sheen starts the journey that his son did not get to complete, you can see that he has decided to live his life differently. The son had a lasting impact on him and the friends he makes on the journey challenge his thinking also.

In an interview, Estevez said the movie is about “pro people, pro life — not anti — anything.” He also called it a celebration of life. Martin Sheen described the film as one that exposes the brokenness of humanity, but also the connectedness we have with each other and with God, even if we don’t recognize it.

"The Way", written and directed by Emilio Estevez, was filmed entirely in Spain and France along the actual Camino de Santiago. Interestingly, besides its spiritual and scenic aspects, the movie passes through Galicia, birthplace of Sheen's father, Francisco, to whom the film is dedicated.

For me, making my trips to the monastery for silent retreats is part of walking "the way" for me. This is my time for reflection, question, and renewal.

What is your example of a quest? Why would you "walk the way?"

Posted by Jann Freed on December 19, 2011 in Living Life, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Writing One's Eulogy as a Leadership Assignment

Image via Wikipedia

Last week the graduate students in my class presented their eulogies by reading them out loud. When I first introduced the assignment, they thought it was very strange that in a leadership course they would have to write their eulogy. But I found the evening to be sacred space where we focused on being rather than doing.

Obituaries emphasize what a person has done and eulogies focus on the kind of person one has become (or wants to become). As students shared their eulogies, there were themes of family, values, hobbies, and interests. There was creativity demonstrated through poetry, music, and themes. We had tears and we had laughter.

When we think about our life ending, it was clear that everyone thought about people and relationships--the people they were leaving. I don't think I heard anyone talking about careers or what they might have done differently in their careers. This reminded me of the quote:

"No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time in the office."

This quote is often attributed to a friend of Senator Paul Tsongas of Massachusetts when, after being diagnosed with, Senator Tsongas decided not to run for re-election. It received widespread fame when author Anna Quindlen referenced it in a commencement speech given at Villanova University. Since I collect sermons and commencement speeches, I think Quindlen's speech is worth reading. Another recent one worth reading is by Steve Jobs' sister.

I integrated this assignment from one of the themes in my Sage Study. Sage after Sage told me how leadership is more about who you are than what you do. I thought that this was the best way to get people to think about who they are right now so that if they want to change, they have time to do so. It has been an assignment that allows people to demonstrate compassion and empathy. It helps us get to know ourselves and others better.

We talk about balancing life and work and I don't believe that is the case. Balance is not the goal. Life is part of work and work is part of life. We have to learn to find meaning in all that we do and wherever we do it. This is a topic of interest right now so I will be sharing more thoughts about this in the future.

One of my favorite lines from the book Tuesdays with Morrie is: "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live." While this may sound morbid to some of you, I think about death a lot because it reminds me to live now. And now is all we really have.

When will you have more time than you have right now?

Posted by Jann Freed on December 15, 2011 in Leadership, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

Lyle was a Sage

Cover via Amazon

This is the start of my series on sage-ing. I know I said I would have a post on Fridays. While I will try to make this happen, it might be easier to think of a weekly post as Fridays sneak up on me quickly. Since I will be highlighting various aspects of sage-ing in these examples, I will briefly review the concepts at the beginning of each post.

The essence of sage-ing can be summarized in five main points:

1. Exploring images of aging: Age does not define sages and they don't fight to look younger. They are proud of their life experience.

2. Engaging in life review: Sages know that wisdom comes from reflecting and learning from life experience.

3. Repairing and healing relationships: Healthy relationships sustain us and support us through our journey.

4. Embracing our own mortality: As Morrie says in the book Tuesdays with Morrie, "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live." Since death is inevitable, we need to embrace death in order to live life.

5. Leaving a legacy for future generations: When we are intentional about the life we are living, then we care about how we live our life. We want to pass on wisdom and leave the world a better place.

Lyle was a Sage

Lyle lived to be 93 and at his funeral there were about 300 people. Most people of this age have outlived most of their friends and this was probably true of Lyle also. But he was good at making new friends. He understood that cultivating intergenerational relationships kept a person young and always learning. Through mentoring people of various ages, Lyle was passing on his wisdom and he felt valued.

Since Lyle mentored both my husband and myself, I can speak from experience how much we depended on Lyle for advice and coaching on so many subjects. While I don't think Lyle ever made a lot of money, he saved, invested wisely, and accumulated wealth so that he was sought after for many causes. He taught us the value of "giving until it hurts" because of the rewards received in return.

I often use Lyle as an example in my sage-ing workshops because he was on the sage-ing journey without even knowing it. At his funeral, four people spoke and each was from a different generation. He reached out to people of all ages and in return, we all reached out to him because we needed his wisdom. As the pastor said at Lyle's funeral, "Without Lyle, the world is a little less kind, less smart, less rich, less wise."

Who do you know that sounds like Lyle? Please share your stories. Weekly, I will be sharing more of mine.

Posted by Jann Freed on November 28, 2011 in Life Sages, Living Life, Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

Series on Sage-ing

Starting this Friday, I am going to start a series on sage-ing and try to provide examples every Friday. Sage-ing is another word for aging gracefully, aging with wisdom, positive aging, aging consciously ... We are all aging, but our goal should be on sage-ing not aging--on becoming elders not just older. For more information on Sage-ing, refer to the Sageing Guild founded by Rabbi Schachter-Shalomi.

Since this is my passion, I collect stories of people I know or don't know who are living in a sage-ing way or are on the path to sage-ing. People often ask me if this is just for "older people" and this is my response: The sooner we all learn these secrets, the better. In fact, I am going to stay with this passion so that these concepts are not secrets. If you are interested, then tune into my blog, subscribe, and share it with your friends. These are the examples I share in my classes and workshops and I continue to collect them.

One story I share has to do with the word "sage-ing." Whenever I type in the word, spellcheck comes back and tells me that I should be using "sagging." This always makes me laugh. Well, I admit with aging there is some sagging too. But in sage-ing, we focus on internal work and beauty. In aging, the emphasis is usually on external work such as looking younger with some help and some "work."

We should all have role models who are living life in a way that inspires us. Think of people who just get better with age. These are the people I will feature. I will provide some and I hope my stories will inspire you to share some examples also. We need to learn from each other.

Posted by Jann Freed on November 22, 2011 in Positively Aging, Sage-ing | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

Jane and Rita Advocating Personal Development

Image via Wikipedia

I know I am onto something with the focus on transitioning. I want to help baby boomers figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. Positive aging is more than just having enough money and being smart. If only I had the name recognition of Jane Pauley and Rita Wilson (married to Tom Hanks does not hurt either). They are on advocating to boomers about how to age in this new age in which we are living. Pauley is part of the Today Show with her segment called Your Life Calling. Wilson is now Editor-at-Large of Huff/Post40 for the Huffington Post. And Jane Fonda has a new book titled Prime Time which is about making the most of your life for the rest of your life. While they don't mention the word "sage-ing," that is basically what they are describing.

Instead of getting older, we should focus on becoming elders. Instead of the focus on what is sagging, we need to learn about sage-ing. Rather than emphasize the external aspects of life experience, we need to think about the internal aspects of how to grow wiser because of our life experience.

Years ago, I read a quote and I can't remember by whom so I will paraphrase. "I don't mind having some wrinkles. It reflects that I had some meaningful experiences in my life in which I expressed myself in joy and in sorrow."

Another story I like to share is one I read in one of my favorite magazines: AARP! Jamie Lee Curtis is telling how she and her husband were attending a party after the Oscars and the room was filled with beautiful women. So she asked her husband which woman was the prettiest and she thought he would say her. He looked around the room and said, "Jessica Tandy."

Since Jessica was in her 80s, Jamie asked him why and he said something such as, "She is dressed in a simple, but elegant gown with only one strand of pearls." Jamie said that she looked at Jessica and agreed with her husband.

While he was looking on the outside, I believe it was Jessica's beauty from the inside that was showing through. It is hard to get older in this youth oriented culture. But would you want to return to younger years? In some ways, maybe. But I hope in most ways--not. Because life is here and now. We need to be present now and enjoy it.

Would you willing want to be younger? If so, why and what age?

Would you really want to live in the past?

There have been several times recently when I can tell my life experience is a benefit and I could not have done "whatever" when I was younger. Having been there now gives me the confidence to speak with clarity about several topics and the courage to "do the right thing." For this, I am grateful.